Moans Jokes

3 guys walk into a bar and make a bet with eachother. they say whomever can make a girl scream loudest only with there mouths and hands wins 100 dollars from eahc guy. they say fine.
the first goes and he fingers her slowly she moans a bit.
the second goes in and licks her from head to toe and she moans a lil louder.
The third guys goes in and makes are scream so loud using only his mouth what did he do?

It was with much wringing of hands that Rachael discovered her husband, Hymie, had a mistress. Rachael, however, was not the sort to kill the goose that lays golden eggs; rather, she decided to find out what the mistress had that she didn't. After a long interrogation Hymie finally relented. "Well, to tell you the truth, Rachael, you are too cold. When we make love you don't do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling".
"Is that all" thought Rachael, "is that all there is to it?"
That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Hymie a shot of his favorite cognac and got him into bed. Half way through the business she decided to give him her most passionate moans and groans.
"Oh Hymie, darling" she began. "I've had the most terrible day. Our shares dropped two points. The washing machine broke down. you don't give me enough housekeeping money........"

After you request sex she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
Actually answers when you ask "Who's your daddy?"
Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
Only moans during commercial breaks.
Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.
You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.
Beginning to think she is only "playing" dead.
During the act, she actually yelled out, "Oh, Baby, yadda, yadda, yadda!"
Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.
Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a .wav file.
Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.
Keeps asking "Are you SURE you're not gay?"
Boredom? So that's why she keeps deflating!!
Holds up a picture of more...

Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You

When you request sex, she replies, "Wait' til the Nyquil kicks in."

Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

Only moans during commercial breaks.

Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.

Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry more...

It's time to tell the truth about Smurfs.
You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times.
"But," people ask, "do Smurfs have..... you know,...... *sex*?"
The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES!
And why shouldn't they? They're people, too.
What *most* people don't know is why Smurfs are blue. Well, the reason is because Smurfs only have sex once a year.
Face it: if you had sex only once a year, you'd be blue, too.
Once a year, in the Smurf village, flags and banners fly happily in the breeze, proclaiming that the day of the annual Smuckfest has arrived. Birds sing and the Sun comes out to watch, despite the weatherSmurf's direst predictions.
I guess good ol' Mr. Sun is a voyeur.
In the middle of town, Papa Smurf gives a brief speech explaining the origin of the Smuckfest; how Dr. C. Everett Koop came to the village more...