Myself Jokes / Recent Jokes
‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, Nothing
would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste, At the holiday parties
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared, The gravies and sauces
and beef nicely rared.
The latte’s and snacks, the bread and the cheese, And the way I’d
never said, “No thank you, please. ”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt, And prepared once
again to do battle with dirt.
I said to myself, as I only can,
You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man! ”
So–away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit
cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished, ‘Till all the
additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t more...
The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:"I'M GOING FISHING"Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."IT'S A GUY THING"Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical"."CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?""UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response."IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"Means: "I have no idea how it works.""I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.""TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""THAT'S more...
Uh huh... extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh... save a piece for me
Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
Nineteen extra larges
What a shame
No one came
Just us eatin' all alone
You said, Take the pizza home
No sense lettin' all this go to waste
So then I faced
Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me blocked
And I sure don't care
For irregularity
Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom... I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no
I was feelin' pretty down
'Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say
In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But more...
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. “How did this happen? ” the emergency room doctor asked her. “Well, I was trying to commit suicide, ” the blonde replied. “What? ” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger? ” “No, silly! ” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, “I just paid $6000 for these, I’m not shooting myself in the chest. ’” “So, then? ” asked the doctor. “Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, ‘I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth. ’” “So, then? ” “Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought ‘This is going to make a loud noise, ’ so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger. ”
The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK more...
The girl knelt in the confessional and said,"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.""What is it, child?""Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirrorand tell myself how beautiful I am."The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn'ta sin... it's simply a mistake."
The Heavy Thinker
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?".
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but more...