Neck Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was this guy who was married with a grown up son, who used to
love to go down the local with his mates. His long suffering wife endured
years of his drunken fits, but one night had too much. He arrived home
sloshed, and she heard some noise and found her husband asleep on the floor.
Not wanting to lift her now sleeping husband, she just covered him up.
Next, the son comes home and finds his father flaked out on the floor. He
decided that the old man needed to be taught a lesson, so he went to the
fridge and got a chicken throat (before we go on, picture what it looks like)
and undid his father's fly, placing the chicken neck so that it just hung
out of his pants.
Early the next morning the wife rose and walked into the lounge room
and there was the cat standing over the husband, licking the neck. She
promptly fainted, hit the piano and needed 3 stitches on her eye.
(The whole idea was that the old man would go to the toilet in more...

The difference between men talking and women talking..

TWO WOMEN TALKING:
==================================

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I
mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to
take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, more...

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace.He sat down and asked his mate what happened."Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend."Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal."See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

I'm the head of the household, but my wife is the neck... and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move.

So many men, so few who can afford me.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all... I just can't remember it all.
My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
Coffee, chocolate, men... Some things are just better rich.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
My husband could have had any women he pleased - he just couldn't please any!
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first more...

you might be a red neck if you got you drivers lisence at the gas station that says your name is "number one dad."