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'Twas the Night Before Christmas: Texas Version
T'was the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and you.
Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
For this was Texas, what more need be said,
When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.
And I saw 'cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
The driver was ''Geein'' and ''Hawin'', with a will,
The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.
''Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight.''
The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red,
Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.
As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
With his beard and moustache, so curly and more...
One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.He said "God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female."After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked -"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren`t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don`t fing, grocers don`t groce, and hammers don`t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn`t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn`t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park more...
How Dogs and Men Are the Same 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning 3. Both mark their territory 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches 7. Neither does any dishes 8. Both fart shamelessly 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut 10. Both like dominance games 11. Both are suspicious of the postman 12. Neither understands what you see in cats How Dogs Are Better Than Men 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out 6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) 7. You can train a dog 8. Dogs are easy to buy for 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the more...
How Dogs and Men Are the Same
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuuming.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Neither does any dishes.
7. Neither notice when you get your hair cut.
8. Both like dominance games.
9. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.
Let`s face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don`t fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn`t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn`t the preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another? You have to marvel at more...
Both look stupid in hats.Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.Both tend to have "hip" problems.Neither understand football.Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.Neither believe that silence is golden.Both constantly want back rubs.Neither can balance a checkbook.You can never tell what either of them is thinking.Both put too much value on kissing.**** HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS ****It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.Women look good in sweaters.