Nobody Jokes

Nobody's a virgin...life screws us all.

There once lived three boys. They had really weird names. The first was named Nobody, the second was named Shut Up, and the third was named Manners.
One day, the boy named Nobody fell into the river. Shut Up and Manners went to the police station.
On the way to the police station, Manners needed to go to the toilet, so Shut Up went alone.
Shut Up said"Nobody fell into the river! Nobody fell into the river!"
The policeman asked curiously"Why are you here then?
Shut Up said"Never mind then."
The policeman asked Shut Up"What is your name?" Shut Up replied"Shut Up!" The policeman questioned Shut Up"Where are your manners?" Shut Up responded,"In the toilet!"

See what 50 years will do:


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jason won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jason sent to office and given a good more...

Yogi Berra Quotes

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

"No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded."

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

"You can observe a lot by just watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4." - Yogi Berra

A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!".
The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Now look who thinks he's nobody!"