Nose Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner more...

A little boy and girl are playing outside in the back yard. The little boy has to go to the bathroom, but his mother taught him to always be polite and never talk about private matters in public.
He tries very hard to hold it in, unsure of what he should say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what he's heard his mother say at restaurants when she's had to excuse herself from the table.
He turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me, please. I must go powder my nose." He then darts into the house.
When he returns, the little girl looks at him and says, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," the little boy shyly replies.
"Well then," the little girl says, "you'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little Johnny has to go to take a pee but he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say Jane to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table.

So he turns to Jane and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back Jane looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes" said Little Johnny stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then" says Jane, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"

Here's a handy list to print out and carry with you at all times. Next time ya rip one and someone asks, "what was that?", you can now explain!

Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odour.

Eggy Fart Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.

Windy Fart The sort of fart which goes' Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

Growling Fart Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.

Worrying Fart The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage more...

Q. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A. Because then it would be a foot!

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, "Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you -- we've looked at your life, and your really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We're not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm impressed," St. Peter responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply.

Twas the night before ChristmasAnd all through the houseThere were empties and buttsLeft around by some louse.And the best quart I'd hidBy the chimney with careHad been swiped by some creepWho'd discovered it there! Our hung-over guestsHad been poured into bed(They'll wake in the mornWith a God-awful head)My tongue, cotton-coated, Hung down to my beltAnd only the seasickCould know how I felt! My wife - she had long agoGone up to bedWhile visions of RedskinsDanced in her head.And I in the parlorSat all alone, I'd unplugged the catAnd put out the phone.Just then, through a windowCame noise and smellsLike an overturned beer truckAnd tinkle of bells! I sprang from my chairTo see what was the matterTo see what was causingThe smell and the clatter.When what to my wonderingEyes did appearBut eight drunken reindeerAnd sled full of beer! With a little old driver, Nose red as a brick, I knew it was SantaAs tight as a tick! Weaving upward and downwardHis reindeer they cameWhile he hiccoughed and more...