Obviously Jokes / Recent Jokes

Obviously you are unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts
into your blighted and retarded world view.

Dear Santa:
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living.
We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, more...

Question: What is red, full of seeds and looks like half of a tomato?

Answer: Other half of the tomato.

The Arkansas lad was obviously deeply troubled. "Why so glum, Chum?" asked the kindly stranger. "If my parents get divorced...will they still be brother and sister?"

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."