Officer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding. Wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uhh, 35?"
"SIXTY-SEVEN mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone more...

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of
Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know? "he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his more...

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. Whats more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "Ill bet that youre also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."The giant nodded."If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all Ive got is a set of handcuffs. Why dont you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I cant get out of these," the giant growled."Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I cant do it.""In that case," said the deputy, "youre under arrest."

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see’s a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! ”So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? ”
“Ma’am, ” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers. ”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! ” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22? was the route number, not more...

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" he asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer requested.
So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer.
Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."

A blonde was driving in her car when she was pulled over by a police officer.

The officer put his penis up against the glass and she looked at it and said "Not another breathalizer test".