Officer Jokes / Recent Jokes

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.
A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.
While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a more...

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a more...

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.

The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 60."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes more...

A man was driving home late one afternoon above the
speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red
lights in his rearview mirror.
He thought, "I can outrun this guy," so he floored
it and the race was on. The cars were racing down
the highway at 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy
figured, "What the heck," and gave up.
He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got
out of his cruiser and approached the car.
He leaned down and said, "Listen mister,
I`ve had a really lousy day, and I just want
to go home. Give me a good excuse and
I`ll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said,
"Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police
officer.
When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror,
I thought you were that officer and you were trying
to give her back to me!"

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy''s window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer I can''t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I''ll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can''t do that either, i am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I''ll bleed to death."

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I''m sorry officer I can''t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I''ll get really low blood sugar."

"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can''t do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I''m too drunk to do that."

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, “I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away. ”
Just then Jessica said, “I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed. ”
So the officer asked for John’s license and after looking at it said, “Sir your license has expired. ”
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, “I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired. ”
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, “Jessica, will you shut up! ”
The officer then leaned over toward more...