Older Jokes / Recent Jokes

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said,
"Just put' You are not getting older' at the top,
and' You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

(which in our society means over 25)
An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A
younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade
in a brothel. An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of
the night to ask you,' What are you thinking?' An older woman doesn't
care what you think. An older woman always carries a purse full of
emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every
time there's a natural disaster. An older woman always carries a
condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might
have one on him. An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman
will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a
cup of a herbal tea. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick
during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a
jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Older women
can more...

Advantages of dating older women...An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of herbal tea.An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.There's no need to be phobic about "committing" to an older woman - the last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case more...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could
outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had
enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over
to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said...
"All right. Get in."!

The service was about to start. Everyone was in their pews chatting about their families, jobs, etc. when suddenly Satan appeared in the front of the church.

Panic ensued. In their rush to get out the back doors, people jumped over pews, trampled one another, and flew through the doors at record speeds. When the dust settled the only ones in the auditorium are Satan and one older gentleman, who did not seem at all concerned that Satan was standing directly in front of him.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

To which the older gentleman replied, "Yup. Sure do."

Satan: "Aren't you afraid of me?"

Older gentleman: "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan was quite perturbed at this so he got right in the man's face and asked, "And would you mind telling me why not?" The older gentleman replied, "Been married to your sister for more...

A woman went to doctor's office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

You know you're getting older when... Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book only contains names ending in M. D. Your children are beginning to look middle-aged. Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep. You look forward to a dull evening. Your knees buckle and your belt won't. Your back goes out more than you do. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.