Opening Jokes / Recent Jokes
A mystery-lover take his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "follow me."
The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. "Thanks so much," more...
Ebonics Version of Windows' 98 Debuts! Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled "It be a fresh Window." It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users. There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version. When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a "phat getto track that melts' em down wit dope-ass bass," The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs. On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit." The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster. If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With "Da Hood." Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: "Marquee," a lil' G spray- painting dirty words that move across the screen; or "Flying more...
The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement.
"Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the will call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me."
The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.
"Thanks so much." says the more...
QUIZ: HOW DIRTY IS YOUR MIND???
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored..The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box..When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. This useful tool, commonly found in more...
The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated.
Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony settlement. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is being absolutely ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."
"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Ralston is asking in its entirety. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."
SIEM REAP, CAMBODIA--The paint is barely dry on the new Siem Reap Barnes & Noble, a gleaming, $6 million, 60, 000-square-foot book store/coffeehouse that the American bookselling giant boasts is the finest in this rural village of 2, 100. But already a serious question is being raised: Can the new bookstore--with its enormous selection, discount prices and chic espresso bar--peacefully co-exist with smaller, independently owned bookstores in the area? Store manager Amy Kleinert believes the answer is yes. "Barnes & Noble's presence will help local book sales," said Kleinert, who was previously regional manager for Barnes & Noble's Seattle-area stores. "Our store will stimulate an interest in reading, which can only be a good thing for all area book sellers." Less optimistic is Tuel Cheng, a used-book dealer and small-press operator who was recently forced out of business. "Hun Sen's troops came in the night to burn my books and smashed my son's skull on the more...