Open Jokes

An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.

The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn't open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.

The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days' growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.

The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an "x" at the "2 o'clock" mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill more...

Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, pretty, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation she noticed his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said,' Mr. Smith, do you know your barracks door is open?'

He didn't immediately understand her remark but later on he glanced down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. He called her in and asked,' By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did notice the soldier standing at attention?'

' Why, no Mr. Smith,' she replied sweetly,' all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags.'

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts,' Open the safe!'

'But this is not a real bank!' the woman replies,' It's a sperm bank.'

'Open the safe or I'll shoot!' the man shouts.

The woman, now terrified opens the safe.

'Now take one of the bottles and drink it,' he says.

'But sir, these are sperm samples!' the woman replies.

'Just drink it or I'll shoot!'

The woman opens the bottle and drinks the lot.' Now take another bottle and drink it.'

'But sir, I just drank one!'

'Drink another one or I'll shoot you!'

The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.

When she has emptied it, the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.

'Now you see, Honey,' he says,' It isn't so difficult, is it?'

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, "Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"
This was not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his Office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was not zipped up.
He zipped it up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"
The secretary smiled for a moment and said, No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tires."
she got fired!

by Peter Leppik

The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of
the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting mad at me.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "Is that it?"

Me: "Yep."

Server: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"

Me: "No, it's "TO-GO" [I hate effort duplication]."

At this point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right more...