Operate Jokes / Recent Jokes

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their tails are interchangeable."The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you more...

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there he's quite sexually
promiscuous and takes no precautions. A week after arriving back home in the
States, he awakes one morning to find his privates covered with bright green
and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The
doctor has never seen anything like it and orders tests. He tells the man to
return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later
and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted what's
known as Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of in the States.
We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says,
"Well, okay, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor
answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate
your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!". The more...

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced:
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights.
This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may more...

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To more...