Outside Jokes / Recent Jokes
Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning, when he came to an apartment complex.
Sitting outside on the steps was a cute little girl with a big box.
As Bill jogged closer, he could see that the box was full of adorable puppies.
He went to the little girl and said "Awww...those are the cutest puppies"
The little girl said "These aren't puppies. I call them Democrats."
Bill thought this was really sweet and said "Well, that's so sweet!"
A few days later, Hillary was jogging with Bill when they came to the same building with the little girl outside.
The girl was still there with the box. Bill nudged Hillary and said "Watch this."
He asked the little girl, "What have you got there? Puppies?"
The little girl shook her head and said "No, not puppies, I call them Republicans."
Bill was shocked. He said "But I thought you said they were Democrats???"
The little girl said more...
Even more clues you could be a Redneck...You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.You think the Bud Bowl is real.Your dog goes "oink!"You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.You know how to milk a goat.Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.You have a refrigerator just for beer.You come back from the dump with more than you took.Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve more...
A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside. "Mine" says the man. "My dog has just killed him", she says. "What breed is your dog?" he asks. "A Chiuahua", she says. "How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?" "He got caught in his throat!!!"
1. Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."
2. Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
3. On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
4. In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
5. At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
6. On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
7. In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
8. Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
9. In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
10. In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. more...
Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a "traditional" friendship network with important cost-saving features.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Caring(tm) panel.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FRIENDS?
If you're like most people, you're probably receiving Friendship Services from a network of Providers haphazardly patched together based on where you've lived, worked, or gone to school. The result is costly duplication, inefficiency and conflict. Some Providers may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or experimental behavior. Under Managed Caring(tm), your friendship needs are coordinated by a designated Best Friend, who Cares(tm) about the quality of all your Friendships.
HOW more...
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, “Who’s white horse it that outside? ” The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, “It’s my horse. Why do you want to know? ” The cowboy looks at him and says, “Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don’t look too good. ” The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn’t a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and more...
An Irishman saw a notice outside a police station which read: MAN WANTED FOR ROBBERY. So he went in and applied for the job!