Party Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Mr., Mrs., or Ms.,
Please forgive my behavior at the party last night. I know my actions were terrible, and I beg you to excuse me. Please check all that apply.
Mr. _______ regrets exceedingly his deplorable conduct while a guest at your party on _______ and begs forgiveness for the breach(es) of etiquette checked below.
__Spilling Drink
__Picking Nose at Table
__Scratching Nuts With Salad Fork
__Indiscriminate Spitting
__Complete Loss of Equilibrium
__Indiscriminate Goosing
__Inspecting Hosiery
__Belching
__Passing Out
__Failure to Zip Up Pants
__Hunting Female Navel
__Frequent and Prolonged Absence From Party
__Pissing in Sink
__Taking Off Pants
__Gut Rumbling
__Unfastening Bras on Various Ladies
__Loud Farting
__Biting Tits of Various Females
__Pissing in the punch bowl
__Fondling the breast of the hostess or guests
__Disappearing for extended periods of time with more...

The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom.
The committee chairman explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a
sense of security while you're actually getting screwed.

The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.
At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.
He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."
The guest continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."
"He's an a**hole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

A tourist guide in Gujarat used to advertise "The Dev Anand guide, the best guide knowing every inch of Gujarat."
An American touring party hired him to see Gujarat.
The guide was hopelessly wandering, changing the directions, and driving the touring party around for a long tie with a tremendous anxiety on his forehead.

The tourist party sensed he was lost. "This is ridiculous," one exasperated tourist said to the Dev Anand guide, "you told us that you were the best tourist guide in the state of Gujarat who knew every inch of land. Wasn't that true?"

"No that is true," Replied Dev Anand, "but you see we are somewhere in Marwar now!"

I made this up while attending a party where the average IQ was on the order
of that of a small ball of lint. As you probably guessed, I left early.
Top 10 disqualifiers for consideration of relational status:
10. Uses "party" as a verb.
9. Knows all the words to "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?"
8. Considers "Whooooo!" a valid form of expressing approval
7. Thinks "quark plasma" is a party drink
6. Hair mass > brain mass
5. Thinks "electron transfer" is a new dance step popularized by the New
Kids on the Block
4. Thinks Dr. Spock has cute pointy ears
3. Has accepted more drinks than IQ, and still isn't drunk
2. Isn't expecting to go home tonight, but is hoping for a ride in the
morning
1. Needs pronunciation guide to read the television listings

A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her, because she said she had a terrible headache.
The man reluctantly did, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party.
When she got there she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test.
She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him.
Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun. He told her he hadn't.
After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys had gone across the street to play poker.
He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"