Paying Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the more...
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear!
Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."
She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested.
She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM.
After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this more...
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who’s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated.
You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood, which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten-foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so more...
Joe Smith starts another day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6: 00am While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking, he puts his hair dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico) how muck he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Japan), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Japan), and goes looking, ad he has been for months, for a good paying American job. At the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for awhile. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan) and once again ponders why he can't find a good paying American job.
The executive committee of a club decided to raise its annual subscription. In due course followed circular telling members that henceforth they would have to pay so much per annum.
Whether it was the secretary's poor knowledge of Latin or the printer's, the m in annum was misprinted as V. A member wrote back to enquire why this new mode of paying subscriptions had been authorised:' In the past we have been paying through our noses, why is payment now demanded through our posteriors?' he asked.
Attn: IRS
Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment.
Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the use the above mentioned to fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayer
His maths teacher saw that Davie was not paying attention in class. "Davie! What's two, four, twenty-eight and forty-four?" she asked. "Pogo, MTV, HBO and the Cartoon Network."