Peter Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her,she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.

"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."

"You want to go hell", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there"

"I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."

(Row Row Row Your Boat)
Roll, roll, roll your joint
twist it at the end,
take a puff,
that's enough and pass it to a friend.
Little Jack Horner sat in the corner playing with himself,
he stuck his thumb up his ass
and found his uncles underpants
and said "What a good boy am I"
Mary Mary quite contrary
shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy.
Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow
I live in a flat you fucking twat so how the fuck should I know
Mary Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow
With wizz and e's and ganja trees and coke as white as snow
Mary had a little lamb her cow had B.S.E
Mary was a kiky slut and gave them H.I.V
Abraham Lincoln was a good old man.
He hopped out the window with his Dick in hand.
He said, "Excuse me ladies,
just doing my duty
so why not pull down your pants
and give me some booty."
Hickory Dickory more...

A prominent young attorney died on his way to court, and found himself before the gates of Heaven. When he arrived, a chorus of angels appeared, singing in his honor. St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. "Mr Jones," said St. Peter, "it is a great honor to have you here at last. You are the first being to break Methuselah's record for longevity. You have lived 1028 years."
"What are you talking about?" asked the attorney. "I'm 46."
"46? But aren't you Steven Jones? The lawyer from Brooklyn"
"Yes," the attorney answered.
"Let me check the records," said St Peter. He slapped his hand against his forehead. "Oh, how silly of us. Now I see the mistake! We accidentally calcluated your age by adding up the hours you billed to your clients!"

I had a dream that I went to heaven. I was checking in at that gate with the last three presidents of the United States. I watched as George Sr., Bill Clinton, and George Jr. all walked through a bright door with an angel as an escort. I then gave Peter my name at the gate. He checked his book and said "I'm sorry you missed it by an inch, but there is a way to get into heaven if you walk around with an ugly girl for 100 years."
I was confused and started complaining that this was not the way heaven was supposed to work. Peter took me to a window next to the bright door where I saw men and women walking around with ugly people as their penance. I became curious about the Presidents before me and asked about George Sr. Peter informed me that he missed it by an inch. He then pointed in the window as I saw George Sr. walking with some really ugly woman.
I then asked about his son, George Jr. Peter said that he had missed it by an inch. Sure enough, I looked in the window more...

A Texan died and ascended into Heaven. St. Peter met him and welcomed him, saying "You will certainly enjoy Paradise."
The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise."
St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter
The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO."
Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, white tail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?"
The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."
Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a more...

A good man passed away and went to heaven. He was greeted by St. Peter, who congratulated him and said he could have anything he wished.
The fellow requested something to eat and a telescope so that he could look around.
While eating the sandwich provided to him, he peered through the telescope down at the folks in hell and saw that they were feasting on prawns, chicken tikkas, mutton chops, karahi paneer and desserts.
"How come people down there are eating gourmet food?" He asked St. Peter. "I earned a place in heaven, but you gave me only a sandwich!"
"Well," replied St. Peter apologetically, "it doesn't pay to cook for just two."

It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.
When they got to heaven St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven."
So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts, "I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo."
"Very good!" says St. Peter, "Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?"
Keats just smiled and started his poem: "Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo."