Phone Jokes / Recent Jokes

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don''t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don''t know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I''d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn''t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn''s correct number to call her, I found
that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the' 'wrong'' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You''re an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word' 'asshole'' next to it, and put it in my desk more...

A man dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The man says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband."
The man is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone
"What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, more...

There was once an old woman living in a cottage. Her husband had died three years ago. Suddenly, the phone rang. She picked it up and a deep voice boomed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm coming into your town." She put the phone down, thinking it was some boys playing a prank on her.
About half an hour later the phone rang again. She picked it up and the deep voice bellowed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm coming down your road." Again, the woman put the phone down, thinking that the boys were very determined.
Around a minute later, the phone rang again. She sighed and picked up the phone. Again, the deeep voice boomed: "I am the vindow viper and I'm just outside your door!" She put the phone down and the doorbell rang. She opened the door and there was an old man standing there. She said: "Who are you?"
He said: "I am the vindow viper and I've come to vipe your vindows!"

Sung to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is tapping,
Your phone.

He's buggin your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And runnin a tail
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone

He hears you in the bedroom
Surveils you out of doors
And if that doesn't get the goods
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So you mustn't assume
That you are secure
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone...

Verizon Wireless has announced plans to offer full-length television shows for customers to watch on their cell phone.

I don’t know about this. Don’t we have a enough trouble driving while on the cell phone already? Now, soon you’ll be in the car, watching an episode of ‘Two and Half Men’ while you run over Two and Half Men.

To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem.What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code ListCode Number Explanation
--- 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at more...

I highly doubt this is true, but it's a funny read. This is apparently a true story which occurred very recently in the Telecom Call Centre in Lower Hutt.

The Operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance. The call went like this:

Telecom: How may we help you?

Customer: I haff a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I haffing an affair!

Telecom: Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer: My bill haff all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I haffing an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before. I need to trace these calls please.

Telecom: Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number.

Customer: This one does.

Telecom: What phone do you have, Sir?

Customer: A mobile. I tell you more...