Pole Jokes / Recent Jokes

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!

Dear Santa,
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry."
Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion. .. all things you may encounter this time of year.
The one bright note in Dr. Litt's message is more...

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.
When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:
“Don’t you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear? ”
The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two.
The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.
“What are you so happy about? ” asked her mother.
“I totally showed them. Today I didn’t even WEAR underwear! ”

A veteran Polish Spitfire pilot from WW2 was interviewed on the BBC the other day.
BBC: Were you ever shot down during air combat?
Pole: Oh yes, a Fokker once shot my Spitfire to shreds, but I bailed out, and lived on to fight another day..
BBC: Was it a Focke-Wulf 190, one of the best German fighters ever produced?
Pole: Hell no, this Fokker was a Messersmidt..

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long." The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 2004
Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 2004:
Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What more...

All slumbered but Socks (who was chewing a mouse)
When all of a sudden a thunderous roar
Rattled the East Wing from rafter to floor.
Unsure if the noise was just gas or artillery,
Bill Clinton took action: he deputized Hillary.
In her robe and her slippers, she trudged to the source
Of the noise and saw nothing, but then heard a coarse
Texas twang from the fireplace clamor
"Down here! Are y'all just as blind as those tinhorn reindeer?"
There, on the hearth,' midst the timber and tinder,
Sat H. Ross Perot, all covered wit cinder.
"Your flue," he complained, "is disgusting with soot.
You gave far too many staff members the foot.
Cutting budgets is wonderful; better is cheaper.
But you need either Zoe's or Kimba's housekeeper.
From ashes that thick, someone's breathing might fail.
Thank goodness, like Bill, that I didn't inhale."
"Why, Ross," replied Hillary, more...