Pole Jokes / Recent Jokes
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.
Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.
"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.
"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"
Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?
A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).
Q: Why does Santa use Elves?
A: There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.
Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?
A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though.
Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?
A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this is related to the cryptic description "up where the sun more...
'Twas late Christmas eve, and throughout the White House
All slumbered but Socks (who was chewing a mouse)
When all of a sudden a thunderous roar
Rattled the East Wing from rafter to floor.
Unsure if the noise was just gas or artillery,
Bill Clinton took action: he deputized Hillary.
In her robe and her slippers, she trudged to the source
Of the noise and saw nothing, but then heard a coarse
Texas twang from the fireplace clamor
"Down here! Are y'all just as blind as those tinhorn reindeer?"
There, on the hearth,' midst the timber and tinder,
Sat H. Ross Perot, all covered with cinder.
"Your flue," he complained, "is disgusting with soot.
You gave far too many staff members the boot.
Cutting budgets is wonderful; better is cheaper.
But you need either Zoe's or Kimba's housekeeper.
From ashes that thick, someone's breathing might fail.
Thank goodness, like Bill, that I more...
A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its shadow and trig functions, but no luck.
A engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks one of the managers what they're doing.
"We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole."
The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.
The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the other managers: "Isn't that just like an engineer?! We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."
A man walking down the street came upon Santa and Banta who are trying to measure an up-right pole with a yard stick.
Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"
Santa and Banta say, "We`re trying to measure the height of this pole."
The man wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground and says, "22 feets," and walks away.
Santa was now quite mad and yelled back, "You idiot we were not trying to see how long it was... I need to know how high it is!
The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling to good.
At the first pole that he had to work on, he climbed to the top and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped it so, he had to climb all the way down to retrieve it, as he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy was there and said to the lineman, "My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn't have to climb down the pole after the pliers that you dropped".
The lineman tried to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail, and as he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground and again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was there and said. "My daddy is a lineman and he would more...
Boeing's angling for yule order
Jean Godden - Times Staff Columnist
Here's an offer that Santa Clause may not be able to resist. Engineers at Boeing have done some figuring and they are convinced the Boeing 757 would make the perfect sleigh for Santa. (That, of course, assumes that Santa is ready to trade in the old buggy.)
Here are some stats:
The 757 can seat Santa and 185 of his elves.
The 757's lower cargo hold has space for 5,370 twelve-inch gift-boxed teddy bears.
The 757 can fly the 3,416 miles from the North Pole to Seattle with just one stop. (It does 2,500 miles without refueling.)
The 757, powered by two jet engines, can fly as fast as 500 mph. Reindeer are optional equipment.
The 757 can operate in the North Pole climate. It has been certified for temperatures as low as minus 65 degrees Fahrenheit.
The 757 has an autoland system that will allow Santa to land in weather conditions with near-zero visibility. (Rudolph, cry your eyes more...