Pope Jokes / Recent Jokes

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?"Popeye beat the shit out of him!

Pope Benedict XVI began his first visit to a Muslim country with a message of dialogue and brotherhood between Christians and Muslims in an attempt to ease anger over his perceived criticism of Islam. Visiting Turkey, the Pope said, “Let us focus on what our two great religions share. Namely, we all hate the Jews.”

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can`t help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.
Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and more...

The Pope had been diagnosed as having a potentially fatal testicular disease and after treatment he was told that he had to have sex with a woman to confirm that the treatment had been fully successful. He called all his Cardinals together and told them what he had to be done and they agreed it was necessary.
The Pope said he would go ahead with it but insisted on four conditions.
"Firstly", he said " the girl has to be blind so she cannot see it's the Holy Father and tell the whole world"
"Secondly, she must be deaf so that she doesn't recognize the Holy Father's voice and tell the whole world"
"Thirdly, as a precaution, she has to be dumb so she cannot tell the whole world anyway".
At this point one of the Cardinals stood up and said " Leave it to me Holy Father, I know just the woman for you"
As the Cardinal was about to leave the Pope said " wait a moment, I told you there are four more...

A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up inhis book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and lookedit up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, Iwill show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. Theywalked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with allsorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyerand told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing howimportant he was to the church could hardly imagine what hishouse would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on toa small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope thatthis would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said toSt. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and hegets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at thePope and said "True, you have done great more...

Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience. "Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You`re not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you`ll never so much as mention the British in public again." "But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered. "No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there`ll be trouble!" "Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it." The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon. He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me." The priest continues: "Saint Andrew more...

The seven dwarfs woke up one day and they were all excited because they got to go see the Pope that day.

So they got to the Vatican and pushed Dopey up to the pope and said, "Ask him, ask him!" Dopey asked, "Pope, are there any nuns in Alaska?" and the Pope said, "Ya there are some nuns there!" but Bashful stood and said, "No, ask him the real question!"

So Dopey asked the Pope, "Are there any black nuns in Alaska?" And the Pope said, "Yes, there are some black nuns in Alaska!" but Doc jumped up and said, "Ask him the real question before you get 6 ass whoopings!"

So Dopey asked the Pope, "Are there any black, midget nuns in Alaska?" and the Pope thought, and the Pope thought, and he said, "No, Dopey I'm sorry there aren't!"

Dopey turned the other way looking very disappointed to see the other 6 dwarfs dancing and singing childishly saying, "Dopey more...