Presence Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE COWBOY CODE
1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.
2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence.
3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.
4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.
5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.
6 . A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.
7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than more...

Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to more...

The little young lady of the house, by way of punishment for some minor misdemeanor, was compelled to eat her dinner alone at a little table in a corner of the dining room. The rest of the family paid no attention to her presence until they heard her audibly praying over her repast with the words: "I thank thee, Lord, for preparing a table before me in the presence of mine enemies."

On AppearanceExcessive use of perfume makes a woman less desirable. Perfumes are manufactured from fragrances of herbs, flowers, and other substances that are put into some medium that is strong enough to hold the odor. That medium is often ambergris...a secretion from the intestines of the sperm whale. In other words, you and your man may smell the odor of whale puke instead of enjoying the fragrance of flowers or herbs.Cleanliness is especially important. If a woman uses enough soap and has that clean, fresh look that a recent shower gives, she could wear a potato sack and still be desirable for her male.T-shirts are great. It doesn't take much male imagination to know that in less than five seconds, they are off over your head.Food particles between the teeth, especially the front teeth, are highly undesirable.On DatingIf you need to pass gas (fart), excuse yourself from his presence. Try not to destroy illusions by unpleasant odors. If you need to pass gas, face him..If you must more...

If you're having a bad day, think about this one which is proof that things could be worse.
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the news letter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board of Australia. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.

Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of
the building at the sixth more...

THE COWBOY CODE1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence.3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.6 . A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop.8. A cowboy more...

Dear sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form.
I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it more...