Pressure Jokes / Recent Jokes

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other anouncements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To more...

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
8. Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are...You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
9. The five most essential more...

Five Scandinavian men were going to prove who was man enough to endure a really hot sauna. One of the men was an electrical engineer and wired the benches such that if your butt left the surface, an alarm would sound, ending the contest for the unlucky participant.
The ambient temperature of the sauna was set to rise from 80 degrees Celsius in half-degree increments every minute. In 40 minutes, it would be at 100 degrees, the boiling point of fresh water. A device was created so that water was poured onto the hot rocks at a rate of about 30 milliliters (one ounce) every minute. It was going to be a pressure cooker.
To keep things fair, the men were completely undressed. They drew straws to see who would sit where on the top bench. Closer to the rocks was a slight disadvantage - the one sitting there would get the steam a full 1/2 second before the last person.
It started off well. The men were joking, but soon it got seriously warm. It wasn't long before the highest part more...

(Long)
It was the funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night, which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining them. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening. I tell you-in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, more...

Q: Why is yawning contagious?
A: People yawn when the pressure between their ears is different from that of the outside pressure. The yawning pops the ears and thus balances the inside and outside pressure. Because of the balancing there is a perceptible drop or increase in the surrounding room pressure. And if at this moment there is another person present in the vicinity of the yawning person, this change in room pressure will cause him to yawn to balance his in-between-ear pressure to that of the room pressure. Thus the cycle goes on till the inside-ear-pressure of all the persons and that of the room pressure is equal. But since every time someone yawns, there is a change in room pressure causing some one else to yawn, the cycle never ends... UNLESS all the people in the room yawn at the same time. Since the probability of all the people yawning at the same time is very low, the yawning goes on and on, leading us to believe that yawning is contagious.