Probably Jokes / Recent Jokes

From the Washington Post Invitational contest, which calls them Merge-Matic Books: Readers were asked to combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable blurb.

Second Runner-Up: Machiavelli's The Little Prince. Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.

First Runner-Up: Green Eggs and Hamlet Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.

And the Winner: Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities. An' 80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.

Honorable Mentions:

Where's Walden? Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is more...

Three men went hunting in a dense forest. As one of them was crossing a fallen log, he tripped, dropped his rifle, and shot himself. The other two ran quickly to their unconscious friend and saw that his chest was covered with blood. Walt turned to Stan and said, "We gotta get Elmer to da hospital quick or he's gonna die."
"How 'er we gonna carry 'em?" Stan asked. "Why Elmer, he weighs a good two hunnert pounds."
"Hell Stan! That ain't nuttin'," assured Walt. "We carry bucks out bigge 'n 'at, all da time. We kin do it da same way." Walt was right.
In no time, they were pulling their 4x4 up to the emergency room door, and doctors, nurses and orderlies rushed Elmer inside. A while later, one of the doctors gave the two worried friends the bad news, "Your friend didn't make it." Walt said, "Yeah, I thought dat gunshot hit 'em in da heart."
"No," said the doctor. "The bullet actually went more...

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the more...

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, more...

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next more...

Apparently Iran would like to have some nuclear weapons.

Who can blame them? Getting nuclear weapons is sort of like being in the Hells Angels. It's not that people actually respect you or think you're any smarter or more important than you used to be, but they sure pretend to.

We, on the other hand, would not like Iran to have nuclear weapons. We would like them to have tea parties and crayons and possibly even Pop Rocks, but no nuclear weapons.

The interesting conundrum is this: We were the ones that gave them the stuff to build the weapons in the first place.

Because we wanted them to have nuclear weapons.

We did. But now we don't. See?

Happened with Iraq too.

We gave them loads of weapons but then decided we'd rather they didn't have them.

We wanted them to have them then.

But not now.

See?

Er, may I offer a suggestion?

I think this "Here, have some weapons/If you have more...

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human. . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.