Professional Jokes / Recent Jokes

Rather than Astrological Signs, how about... What's Your Professional Sign?
MARKETING: You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college; concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as 'marketing without a degree'. You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you begging that you take their money, you prefer to avoid contact with customers so you can 'concentrate on the big picture'. You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are, instead, content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often, even YOU do not understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that more...

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A church congregation sent out requests to all the professional painters listed in their local Yellow Pages, requesting a bid on a price to repaint their church building. Almost all of the painters were within a few dollars of their competition, as expected, with the exception of one well-known, well-established, local company, which had been in business for years and had an excellent reputation in the community. This particular painter's bid was about half of what his competitions had bid, and naturally, was selected by the congregation to do the job.On the morning the job began, the painter realized that he had underbid the job by 50%! Not wanting to lose the job, he decided to thin the paint out with water, so he would be able to complete the job for the price quoted.One week later, he received a call from the priest, explaining that after the first rain, half of the paint had washed off the church. The painter returned, looked at the building, and sure enough, the job was ruined. more...

The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang out with God. " St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman? " God said, "Ah, yes, " "Well, " said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous." "Hmmmm, you may have more...

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Wrong Answer!Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.
OK, even if you did not answer the first three more...

An eminent psychologist was called to testify in court. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."

The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we..."
"I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls."
Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door.
Then she helped him off more...