Professor Jokes / Recent Jokes

A college professor of logic was attempting to teach his young son the principles of clear thinking and the necessity for defining all terms. He pointed to a wall clock which had just struck.
"Now, if I were to take a hammer and smash the clock," he queried, "could I be arrested for killing time?"
The lad hesitated a moment. "No," he said, "it'd be self-defence."
The professor frowned. "How do you figure that out ?"
"Because," answered the boy, "the clock struck first."

At Aberdeen Uni, 4 sophomores were taking Biology. They had done brilliantly in labs, on practicals and tests etc. Each had an 'A' so far for the semester. So confident were they before finals that they decided to head down to Edinburgh College for a big party with some mates.
After a great deal of partying they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Aberdeen till early Monday morning. Rather than take the final then, they decided to find the Professor after the exam and explain their trip, how they had planned to be back in time to study, but unfortunately had a flat tire on the way home, didn't have a spare, couldn't get help and thus missed the final.
The Professor thought it over, agreed they could take the exam the next day, and naturally the guys were relieved. That night they studied hard, arrived the next day, where upon the professor placed them each in separate rooms. Handing them a test booklet he told them to begin.
Looking at problem 1, worth five more...

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man`s anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse`s anus, but I licked my index.

"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" -- Bill Gates, 1981 "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "But what. .. is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip. "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "This' telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The more...

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France."
The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

A Mississippi professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded. "Professors haven't got bad memories," he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another question?" "Yes," said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?" "Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question."

There was a professor who started all of his classes with a dirty joke. Finally, the women in the class decided that the next time he started, they would walk out. They didn't know it, but the professor had caught wind of their plan.
At the beginning of class the next morning the professor said, "Good morning class. Have you heard about the shortage of whores in China?" At that point, the women all stood up and were heading for the door.
"Wait ladies," the professor bellowed. "The boat isn't leaving until tomorrow."