Prove Jokes / Recent Jokes
(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the NationText from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998Good evening.This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media.As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my more...
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint
Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have no idea
the lengths that some people will go to sneak into heaven. Can you
prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and
symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein!"
he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Pablo Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning
mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. more...
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter says, "You look like Albert Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths people will go to in order to sneak into heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk, please?"
St. Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and some chalk instantly appear. Einstein describes, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his theory of relativity. St. Peter is very impressed.
"You really are Albert Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
When Pablo Picasso arrives, once again St. Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso says, "May I use that blackboard and chalk?"
St. Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and quickly sketches a truly stunning mural. St. Peter claps. "Surely, you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
St. Peter more...
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has more...
Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on company business.
TRANSPORTATION
Hitch-hiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Should hitch-hiking prove fruitless, bus travel may be utilized if absolutely necessary. Airline tickets will be authorized for purchase only under extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Sacramento but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Denver, then travel to Denver will be substituted for travel to Sacramento.
Car rental fees are going up all the time, and are to be avoided. As a substitute for these charges, we recommend car-sharing. Simply turn your issued safety vest inside out, and you will notice that it now says "VALET PARKING ATTENDANT" over the left breast pocket. more...
Five Scandinavian men were going to prove who was man enough to endure a really hot sauna. One of the men was an electrical engineer and wired the benches such that if your butt left the surface, an alarm would sound, ending the contest for the unlucky participant.
The ambient temperature of the sauna was set to rise from 80 degrees Celsius in half-degree increments every minute. In 40 minutes, it would be at 100 degrees, the boiling point of fresh water. A device was created so that water was poured onto the hot rocks at a rate of about 30 milliliters (one ounce) every minute. It was going to be a pressure cooker.
To keep things fair, the men were completely undressed. They drew straws to see who would sit where on the top bench. Closer to the rocks was a slight disadvantage - the one sitting there would get the steam a full 1/2 second before the last person.
It started off well. The men were joking, but soon it got seriously warm. It wasn't long before the highest part more...
Enver Hoxha, dictator of Albania, dies and due to a bureaucratic mixup
is sent to socialist heaven. Of course, once there he has to stand in line
as St.Peter is interviewing the candidates for socialist heaven ahead of him.
Ludwig von Beethoven is first.
St.Peter says: "Who are you?"
Beethoven says: "Eh ?"
St.Peter waves his arms and cures Beethoven and says: "Who are you ?"
Beethoven says: "Ludwig von Beethoven"
St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers?"
Beethoven says: "No."
St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it."
Beethoven says: "Give me a choir of angels."
St.Peter calls the angels forward and watches Beethoven conduct the Ninth.
St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, Ludwig."
Beethoven goes in.
Shakespeare is next.
St.Peter says: "Who are you ?"
Shakespeare says: "William more...