Punishment Jokes / Recent Jokes
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal feelings prevent justice from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she should serve on the jury. "Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $21,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter. "I'll serve. I suppose I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"
A man dies, and he`s looking in the gates of hell.
There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that`s his punishment."
The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What`s Bill Clinton doing with that model?" The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life."
If you are a cartoon character, have friends or relatives who are cartoon characters, or are a cartoon character sympathizer... please delete this message now. (grin)
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate a revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade my pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not more...
In recent months, we have heard the Japanese call the US workers lazy, greedy and illiterate. Those are fighting words to us, even if they may be true. The question is what to do about it. My basketball coach always told me to exploit the weakness of the opposition by using what (questionable) strengths I had. I think the US should do exactly that with Japan. The Japanese are world leaders in quality of goods and decades ahead of us in electronics like High Definition Television (HDTV). We will never be able to compete with them in these areas, so we must redefine the competition. I propose that the FCC mandate a new form of Television called Low Emission and Definition Television (LEAD-TV). Such TV sets would have lots of static interference, horrible resolution, be expensive, break very often, and would be hard and frustrating to watch. Exactly the type of TV sets that American industry and workers are already geared to produce! The Japanese, on the other hand, could not produce more...
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal feelings prevent justice from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she should serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $21,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter. "I'll serve. I suppose I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.
But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"
Frequently I am asked by my readers to explain the mysteries of child birth. Well okay, that's actually completely untrue, but since we're on the subject I want to tell you about Lamaze class.
Lamaze is a breathing technique whereby women feel no pain while having an object the size of a small watermelon claw its way out of their bodies. Yes, this is utterly ridiculous, but Lamaze class has apparently become a prerequisite to giving birth: in fact, a woman in East Jordan, Michigan was recently discovered by authorities to have given birth to a baby without having first attended Lamaze, and the courts actually made her put it back.
Although pregnancy has been around for at least 100 years, most men don't understand anything about it. It was news to me that pregnancy takes place in three trimesters (Trimester comes from the phrase,' Don't you even TRY, MISTER,' uttered by women when men suggest that maybe they can't make it to Lamaze class one night.) The three more...