Purpose Jokes / Recent Jokes
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs,
however, will require some work.There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and, 2. Going to meetings.Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because
that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you more...
To: All Staff Attorneys Subject: Depositions and Their Use
A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent' for any purpose' is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:
The Court: Next witness.
Ms. Olschner: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client's deposition.
The Court: You mean read it?
Ms. Olschner: No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition' for any purpose' and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.
The Court: Well, it does say that.
(Pause.)
The Court: There being no objection, you may proceed.
Ms. more...
THE LAST WORD
The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary
Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science.
Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period.
Biological Science: A contradiction in more...
TRAVELLER'S TALES
IN THE LOBBY OF A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A RUSSIAN ORTHODOX MONASTERY:
"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the officebetween the hours of 9 and 11 a. m. daily."
IN A JAPANESE HOTEL:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
IN A BANGKOK DRY CLEANER'S:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE:
Ladies are requested not to have childrenin the bar.
AT A BUDAPEST ZOO:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have anysuitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
IN A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY:
Take one of our horse-driven citytours. We guarantee no more...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Your sole purpose in life may be simply to serve as a warning to others.
All Purpose Excuse Form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten in. Whenever there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be!
Dear:
a) Mom b) Dad c) love of my life d) Assistant Principal e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your a) Car b) House c) Pet d) Espresso maker e) Left arm was severely damaged by my a) infantile b) puerile c) inept d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic e) woefully under appreciated prank.
How could I have known that the a) car b) jet ski c) large helium balloon d) rodent driven sledge e) Zambonis. I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your a) house b) wife c) Cub Scout troop d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch e) priceless collection more...