Really Jokes / Recent Jokes
A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given a menu. When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples. When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster. The sheik explains: "I was in the desert one day and found a lamp. It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it. Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes... My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beatiful women. And my third wish was to more...
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a. You can legally kill yourself
3. b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, without an uneery sense of guilt.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks
Copenhagen is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your bike, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.
TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of more...
A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to see his doctor. The doctor does his history and physical and discovers that the poor man has had just about every therapy known to man for his migraines, and still, there has been no improvement.
"Listen," the doctor says, "I suffer from migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't anything I learned in medical school, it's advice I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home and soak in a nice hot bathtub for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little.
Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache disappears immediately. Give it a try, then come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns wearing a big grin. "Doc, you were right! I took your more...
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him.
"You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."
"I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. more...
The two college football players knew that if they failed this final exam, they would be placed on academic probation and wouldn't be permitted to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank and the final question was, "Old McDonald had a _______."
Poor Bubba was really stumped. He knew he needed to get this one right to pass. Checking to make sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssssst, Tiny," Bubba whispered, "what the answer to the last question?"
Tiny made sure the professor hadn't noticed, then turned to Bubba and said, "Gee Bubba, you sure are dumb. Everyone knows Old McDonald had a farm."
"Right, I remember now," Bubba said. He picked up his pencil to fill in the answer and immediately stopped.
Tapping Tiny on the shoulder again, he whispered, "How do you spell farm?"
"You really are stupid, Bubba," Tiny replied. more...
A woman puts an ad in the paper for a husband. In her ad she includes the three
things that she's looking for in a husband:
She wants a man who won't beat her.
She wants a man that won't leave her.
She wants a really great lover.
A few days later the doorbell rings. The woman opens the door to find a man with
no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair on her porch. She says, "How may I help
you?"
He replies that he is there to answer her ad in the paper.
She says, "Oh, but I am looking for a man that won't beat me."
He replies, "I have no arms. How can I beat you?"
She says, "Ok, but I want someone who won't leave me."
And he replies, "I have no legs and if you take away my wheelchair I can't even
move. How could I leave you?"
She nods her head and says, "Well, what I really want is a great lover."
The man looks at her and says, "Lady, how do you think I rang the more...
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.
"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I more...