Really Jokes / Recent Jokes

How do you know you're getting really old?
You're with a woman all night long and the only thing that comes is dawn.

1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her.. . believe them.7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself,' Will this matter one year from
now? How about one month? One week? One day?'8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.11. Work is good, but more...

To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs,
however, will require some work.There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and, 2. Going to meetings.Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because
that's where the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you more...

A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home.
His father askes, "So, how did the parachute jump go, Son?".
Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill Sgt. comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12 incher!"
Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?".
"Just a little at first", said the son.

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off more...

La Grange, GA

Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum.

"My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing".

The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion.

"He was a real trouper during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there".

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life- until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"O, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus more...