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An airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker more...

A nice old man gets a job as grounds keeper at an elementery school. One day he noticed a little boy standing all by himself at the end of a field while all the rest of the kids played socer. Feeling sorry for the little boy, he asked what the boy's name was and how he was doing. The boy said, "Uh, my name is Johnny, and I'm just fine." The man then asked Johnny why he was standing all by himself while all the rest of the kids played soccer. To which little Johnny replied, "Because I'm the other fuckin' goalie!"

The other day, while I was seeing my friend, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, "Big tits."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

Newly acquired Francisco Rodriguez told the rest of the NL East that the Mets are the team to beat. That sound you hear is the rest of New York not holding their breath. The Mets are actually the team to beat, as proven by the Phillies the last two years.

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"
The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"
The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"
The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.
The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"
The drunk replied, "I more...

Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Bill, you've done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where you'll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely."
Bill looks over Saint Peter's shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter's words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell. The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, there's one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast. Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter.
He again looks over Saint Peter's shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, "I've put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound more...