Ride Jokes / Recent Jokes

Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine.
Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy
said, "Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that aihplane
ride costs ten dollahs.... And ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Stumpy says, "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old. If I don't go
this time I may nevah go." Martha replies "Stumpy, that there aihplane
ride is ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal,
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride
and not say one word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten
dollars."
They agree and up they go.... The pilot does all kinds of twists and
turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more...

Moishe the Cowboy
In the early 1800`s, Moishe had to go to Omaha on business.
He went to the stagecoach office and asked, "How much ah teeket to Omaha?" The clerk responded, "five dollars". "Too much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain`t got $5, I only got $2, so dere!". "Well you ain`t goin ta Omaha for $2, so forget it!" said the clerk. "Liss`n, I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput`n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you could do sumtink for me?" "I`ll tell you what I can do," said the clerk. "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2 and you could ride shotgun." "Vutaya talkin` ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said Moishe.
"No, No! You don`t understand!" said the clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and if you see any Indians, you shoot `em."
"Vut you talkin` shoot Indians? I ain`t never shot no more...

Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act.
Before his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed. Johnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping.
Johnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

A salesman was travelling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck. He yelled out the window to the salesman "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I do", replied the salesman.
"You a Democrat or Republican?", asked the old man.
"A Republican", replied the salesman.
"Get screwed!", yelled the old man as he sped off.
The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer "Republican."
The driver gave him the finger and drove off.
The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. more...

Here are some weird but true laws.
In the state of georgia it is illegal to eat fried chcken with a fork.
In australia it is illegal to shag a kangaroo unless your drunk.
In transylvania it is illegal to ride an ugly horse.
In trnsylvania it is illegal to ride a horse backwards down the street on a sunday.

* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell,' 'I need some tampons!!''
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible' 'Sex and Candy''
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone,' 'I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to' '10.''
* Play with the automatic doors.
* Walk up to complete strangers and say,' 'Hi! I more...

The perfect man and the perfect woman got married, had a perfect honeymoon, and got a perfect car. One day, they were driving along and Santa Claus was on the side of the road. His sleigh had broken down, and he needed a ride to the next town. The perfect couple were nice, and let him hitch a ride.
Well, they were driving along when they crashed into a tree. Only one of them lived. Who? The perfect woman. Why? There is no such thing as Santa Claus, and God knows that there isn't any such thing as a perfect man! ;)