River Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a lisp. She couldn't pronounce her c's or s's so she would just leave them out. One day she was going to the bathroom and started singing "I've Got Peace Like a River."

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been. -President Gerald Ford "My fellow astronauts..."-Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration. "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."-Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."-Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President "I stand by all the misstatements."-Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes "Gerald Ford was a Communist"-Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'. "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C. "We found the term 'killing' too broad."-State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary more...

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. more...

Back in the Old West three Texas cowboys were about to be hung for cattle rustling. The lynch mob brought the three men to a tree right at the edge of the Rio Grande. The idea was that when each man had died, they'd cut the rope and he'd drop into the river and drift out of sight They put the first cowboy in the noose, but he was so sweaty and greasy he slipped out, fell in the river and swam to freedom. They tied the noose around the second cowboy's head. He, too, oozed out of the rope, dropped into the river and got away. As they dragged the third Texan to the scaffold, he resisted, "Please! Would yaw'l tighten that noose a little bit? I can't swim!"

Once upon a time, a little boy lived by a river. It was a very boring river because the land was so flat there.

One day, the boy was eating lunch by the river, munching on a kosher pickle. All of the sudden, an idea comes to him and he pitches the pickle into the river. Instantly, the river is transformed into a majestic waterfall!

People came from miles around to witness the miracle. After seeing the beautiful waterfall, they turned to the little boy. "How," they asked, "how did you know to toss the kosher pickle into the river?" The little boy smiled and answered, "I just thought of that old adage--you know, that dill waters run steep!"

One day there was a Mexican, an American, and a German and they were
on a bridge. The German took a puff of his cigarette and threw it
in the river. They asked what did you do that for he said I got
plenty of them in my country. The Mexican took a sip of his beer
and threw it in the river. They asked what did you do that for he said I got
plenty of them in my country. The American beat up the Mexican
and threw it in the river. They asked what did you do that for he said I got
plenty of them in my country.

blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"