Roof Jokes / Recent Jokes

There are two nice bachelor brothers who live with their mother, Jim and Bob. A business trip took Bob out of town for a few days but he promised to call home on a regular basis to find out how things are going. As good as his word, Bob called home the next day and Jim answered the phone. Bob asked, "So how's everything going?" Jim replied, "The cat's dead. He fell out the window." Bob was furious at the way his brother responded to his question and told him the bad news in such a callous manner. He told Jim his feelings in no uncertain terms. Jim asked, "So how would you have liked me to respond?" Bob went on, "First you could have told me that you accidentally left the window open. Then the cat jumped out of the window and landed on the small roof below. We called the emergency response team, who tried for nearly and hour to coax the cat back into the house all the while trying to reach him by ladder from the outside. In spite of everyone's more...

This is a true story:
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her wayyy up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Upon arrival at their hunting, a group of hunters discover that there is an enormous bear sitting on the roof of the cabin. Not wanting to wait to see if the bear will leave on its own, the hunters race into the cabin, phone the game commission, and ask them to send someone out to remove the bear.
A few hours pass before a truck pulls up from the game commission. A man steps from the truck a looks over the situation. He then gets in the back of his truck and returns with his equipment which consists of a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a dog.
The man from the game commission approaches the hunters and hands one man the shotgun, tells the dog to sit next to the cabin and sets the ladder up against the cabin. Couriosity got the best of the hunter holding the shotgun and he asked the man, "How are you going to trap a bear using a ladder, a baseball bat and a dog?"
The man from the GC replied, "I'm using the ladder to climb on the roof. When I get to the more...

This is an accident report which appeared in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is the report... a true story.
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building. at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and more...

You might be a reneck if...

The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.

You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.

You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.

You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.

You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.

Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

You have to more...

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation
sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day
but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and
she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard
someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just
pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you
sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me
up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the more...

' The Xmas-Files'
by Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely

57 Elm Street
Bethlehem, Pa.
11:51 p.m., December 24th.


'We're too late! It's already been here.'

'Mulder, I hope you know what you're doing.'

'Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.'

'You really think someone's been here?'

'Someone, or something.'

'Mulder, over here--it's a fruitcake.'

'Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.'

'It's O.K. There's a note attached:' Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.''

'It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.'

'Who? What are you talking about?'

'Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once a year, near the winter more...