Running Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity. He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad. The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job. The man pleaded and said won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of? The pastor relented and hired him. The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG" as soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking
down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the

road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he

would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest

hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy

priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down

the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.

Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there

was a priest more...

A blonde was spending almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
“Excuse me, miss, ” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The hotel doesn’t mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we’d appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. ”
“What difference does it make, ” the blonde asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel. ”
“Not exactly, ” said the embarrassed gentleman. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight. ”

Ralph Nader is running for president yet again. Doesn't Ralph Nader remind you of one of those guys at a party, who can't get any pussy, so he starts cockblocking everyone else at the party.

He sees Obama talking to a hot woman, "Hey Obama, she's cute, how's your WIFE doing?"

Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.

DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.

DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged--with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in more...

One ant was running across an unopened box of crackers and urging another to speed up. "But why do we have to hurry?" said one. "Can you read, you nut! It says, Tear along the dotted line'".

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3. 1 to GirlFriendPlus1. 0
(marketing name: Fiancee1. 0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1. 0 to
Wife1. 0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and
Wife1. 0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not
ask for it, Wife1. 0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming
GirlFriend4. 0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4. 0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running girlfriend 2. 0 with girlfriend 1. 0 still installed,
they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to
uninstall girlfriend 1. 0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I
tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system
directory. more...