Saint Jokes / Recent Jokes

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden more...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates.
“In honor of this holy season, ” Saint Peter said, “you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven. ”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
“You may pass through the Pearly Hates, ” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, “They’re bells”. Saint Peter said, “You may
pass through the Pearly Gates. ”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just
what do those symbolize? ”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s. ”

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.""Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this more...

An elderly man dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates Saint Peter welcomes him but states that the man must know how to spell the secret password to get in.
The old man replies, "You mean I don't have to know it, I just have to spell it?"
Saint Peter says, "Yes, that is correct, all you have to do is spell 'LOVE.'"
The old mans spells out L-O-V-E with excitement. Saint Peter opens the gate and says, "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter asks the old man if he could guard the gate for a few minutes while he goes to see God.
The old man does so and while he is waiting, his wife suddenly appears in a flash. He asked her what she was doing there.
She tells him that on the way home from the funeral, she had a bad accident and died then asks him to open the gate and let her in.
He tells her that she must spell the secret password first in order to get in.
She says "Okay, what is the word?"
He replies, more...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this more...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.""Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this more...