Saint Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area." "Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to
do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks,
while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace.
Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like
Woodstock gone metastatic.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the
staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens,
face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM
PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.
"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of more...

Santa Singh Died And Went To Heaven. When He Got To The Pearly Gate Saint Peter Told Him That New Rules Were In Effect Due To The Advances In Education On Earth. In Order To Gain Admittance A Prospective Heavenly Soul Must Answer Two Questions: 1. Name Two Days Of The Week That Begin With “T”. 2. How Many Seconds Are There In A Year? Santa Thought For A Few Minutes And Answered…1. The Two Days Of The Week That Begin With “T” Are Today And Tomorrow. 2. There Are 12 Seconds In A Year. Saint Peter Said, “Ok, I’ll Buy The Today And Tomorrow, Even Though It’s Not The Answer I Expected, So Your Answer Is Correct. But How Did You Get Only 12 Seconds In A Year? ”Santa Replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, Etc…. ”Saint Peter Lets Him In Without Another Word”

A WEALTHY man, noted during his lifetime for his selfishness and meanness, died and arrived outside the Heavenly Gates. He was disconcerted to find that before entering, he was required to explain why he should deserve admission. So he told Saint Peter how once, on a cold winter's day, he had given two pence to an old lady who was starving, and on another occasion, he had given a penny to a little boy whose parents had been killed in a revolution. Saint Peter transmitted this information to Gabriel and inquired,' What shall I do with this applicant?' Gabriel said,' Give him his three pence back and tell him to go to hell.'

A couple wanted their marriage to be something unique, so they decided to wait until they died to get married in Heaven. After they died, they were reunited in Heaven. They went to Saint Peter and begged him to get them married in Heaven. After assuring them they really didn't want to get married in Heaven, he told them if after five years they still wanted to get married, they could talk about it again. After five years the couple came to Saint Peter and again begged him to get them married in Heaven. Again he assured them it would be a mistake to get married in Heaven made the promise that if they waited five more years he would get them married. Five years went by and the couple looked Saint Peter up. Now they really, really wanted to get married. Saint Peter went ahead and had the couple married. After only one month the couple found Saint Peter and told him they had made a very bad mistake. This marriage was the worst possible thing that could have happened to them in Heaven. more...

Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Bill, you've done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where you'll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely."
Bill looks over Saint Peter's shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter's words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell. The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, there's one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast. Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter.
He again looks over Saint Peter's shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, "I've put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound more...

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret... not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time the sisters at the convent took me in as an infant to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then" ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a more...