Sand Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when he suddenly sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He's wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket and a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."
"What do you have to lose!? You don't have any transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" replies the genie.
The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis more...

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman, he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." The foreman then shrugs his beefy shoulders and says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a good dent in that pile of sand by the time I get back." A few hours later when the foreman returns, he sees that the pile of sand is still untouched. Pointing to the pile of sand, the forman says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom. You tella the Chinesea guy he inna charge of a supplies, but hea disappeara, and I coulda no finda him!" Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks, " Didn't I tell you to shovel that sand?" The more...

1.+-------+
| sand | = sand box
+-------+
2. man
--------- = man overboard
board
3. stand
---------- = I understand
i
4. /r/e/a/d/i/n/g/ = reading between the lines
5. r
road = cross road
a
d
7. cycle
cycle = tricycle
cycle
8. t
o = downtown
w
n
9. le /
/ vel = split level
/
10. 0
------- = two degrees below zero
M. D.
Ph. D.
11. knee
-------- = neon light
light
12. ii ii
------------- = circles under the eyes
O O
13. dice dice = paradise
14. t
o
u = touchdown
c
h
15. ground
-----------
feet
feet = six feet underground
feet
feet
feet
feet
16. mind
--------- = mind over matter
matter
17. he's / himself = he's beside himself
18. ecnalg = backward glance
19. death / life = life after death

What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
He would starve to death.
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Senator.
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
"Your honor."
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.
What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule?
It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?
Because deep down, they are really good guys.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A shortage of more...

An American tourist wanted to see some of the Sahara desert, so he rented a camel. Having packed plenty of water and food for a 3 day sojourn, he set out. He was on the 2nd day and entered an oasis to rest and water his camel and noted that a guy had a shop at the oasis with a neon sign, "CAMEL MECHANIC." He looked in the shop and saw several camels being worked on. His camel seemed to be working fine so the next morning, he began his return trip.
Several hours into the desert, the camel stopped walking, and just stood there like a statue. He tried pulling, yanking, pushing, every method imaginable to get the camel to move, but it wouldn't budge.
He then decided to backtrack by foot and find the oasis with the camel mechanic. Following the tracks made in the sand, he spent the better part of the day walking through the sand dunes back to the oasis. Finally getting there, he went to the camel mechanic and explained that his camel just stopped and was sitting out there more...

The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What did you do at recess?" Mary says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says, "That`s good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write `sand` correctly, I`ll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does, and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write `Box" correctly on blackboard, I`ll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write `blatant racial discrimination` I`ll give you a cookie."

Q. What do lawyers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.
Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q. more...