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Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen so that, when you remove the garment from the washing machine, you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.
Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an more...
IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER - -
Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great,
But... there are problems that can't wait!
Now Benton's fine, and Carter too,
But Ross and Susan just won't do!
Now who do you think that we should hire,
Since both of them today I'll fire?
Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see...
Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree...
Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt...
But the paramedics just pulled up.
Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got?
Shep: This little boy has just been shot!
His pulse is faint, his breath is weak.
We did all we could to stop the leak.
Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip...
Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?
Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair,
So I shoved her-lightly-down some stairs.
Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three!
Doug and Susan! Come with me!
Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see?
We've more...
Jack and Don were patients in a mental hospital. As they were walking past the hospital pool one day, Jack suddenly dove into the deep end. He quickly sank to the bottom of the pool and remained there.
Without hesitation, Don jumped into the pool to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled Jack out.
Upon hearing of Don's heroic act, the medical director ordered that he be immediately discharged from the hospital as he felt Don was okay and no longer required hospitalization.
"We have good news and bads news for you, Don," the director said. "The good news is we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump into the pool and save another patient, you must be mentally stable."
The director continued, "The bad news is the patient that you saved hung himself and died."
"Oh, he didn't hang himself," Don replied. "I hung him up to dry!"
POE and PCs
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, still I sat there, doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command And waited for the disk to store, only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully, I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must more...
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind ofliving thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah." Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I more...