Saw Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once there was this guy named Bill, and his favorite sport was driving around in his truck hitting lawyers. One day as Bill was out running over lawyers and having tons of fun, he saw a priest hitchhikingon the side of the road.
Mistaking him for a lawyer, Bill almost hit him, but swerved away at the last second. Feeling terrible, Bill offered to give the priest a ride.

So Bill and the priest are driving along, neither of them saying much, when Bill saw a lawyer walking along. He immediately recognized him by the trail of slime he left in his wake. Getting all excited, Bill sped up in hot pursuit of the lawyer. At the very last second, Bill remembered the priest sitting in his truck with him, and he swerved out of the way. Relieved to have missed the lawyer, Bill turned to the priest. "Father, I almost hit a lawyer!" Bill cried.

"Oh dont worry sonny" the priest replied. "I got him with my door."

Stacz looked over the backyard fence and admired Fred's wife while she sunbathed topless. The next day, Stacz corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, "Na, na, na, na. I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday."
Fred was quite put out over the peeping incident and told Stacz he planned revenge.
That very evening, Fred noticed that Stacz' bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices Stacz' wife in the act of performing oral sex.
The very next day Fred calls out to Stacz, "Hey, Stacz, I saw your wife giving you a blowjob last night."
Stacz replies, "Na, na, na, na. I wasn't home last night."

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"

My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year-old, Steven, roughly jerking our toy poodle's leash.

Suddenly his fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"

"I don't know how much you saw!" Steven stammered.

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see more...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and more...

DAD - Son, come in here, we need to talk.
SON - What's up, Dad?
DAD - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
SON - I don't believe; if I understand the definition of "scratch the car"; that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
DAD - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?
SON - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
DAD - But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
SON - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" more...