Scotch Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10, 000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports more...

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years.
One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.
Immediately, Jock says “Open it up and we’ll have a dram. ”
“Naw, ah’m goin’ tae save it for a special occasion. ”
Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.
Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed.
He motioned for his old friend to come closer.
“Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won? ”
“Aye, ah certainly do, Angus! ”
“Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend. ”
“Aye, anything ye ask Angus. ”
“When ah’m dead, wid ye take that bottle an’ open it up–”
“Aye, Angus, then what? ”
“Wid ye pour it over ma grave? ”
“Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It’s 40 year old Scotch! But I’ll do it for ye. more...

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.
Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram."
"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."
Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.
Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"
"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"
"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."
"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."
"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--"
"Aye, Angus, then what?"
"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"
"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it more...

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out.
He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: "Shay mister, taste this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.
"It tastes like more...

A young beautiful brunett French girl goes into a bar and she is
wearing this low cut black sleeveless dress.
She sits down and waves her arm at the bartenter and says "Oh
bartender" "May I have a scotch and soda please?!" (well we all know
French girls don't shave)
The regular drunk at the end of the counter says "Put the pretty
ballerina's drink on my tab" so the bartender does.
A little bit later The pretty girl waves her arm and says "Oh
Bartender" "May I have another scotch and soda please"
Again the regular drunk at the end of the counter says "Put the pretty
ballerina's drink on my tab"
and the bartender does.
Well...this goes on a few more times and then the bartender goes over
to the drunk and says
"why are you buying this girl all these drinks and how do you know
she's a ballerina?"
The regular drunk says "well, I think she's a pretty more...

Bob and Bill go duck hunting. They settle down in their pit blind and wait for the ducks. This gets rapidly boring for Bill, so he reaches into his backpack and withdraws a pint of 100 proof scotch.
"Want some?" he asks Bob.
"No, I've got to concentrate on hunting ducks."
"Okay..." he says and happily drains the bottle.
They go back to watching for ducks. Again, Bill gets bored and gets from his backpack another bottle of scotch.
"Want some." he asks again.
"No, thanks, I really don't drink," is his reply.
"Your loss." he says and happily drains the bottle. He's pretty sloshed by now, but goes back to help his friend watch for ducks.
A minute later, a single duck flies up. "Bang!!!" goes Bob's gun.
"Darn, missed," says Bob.
Bill waves his gun in the general direction of the sky. "Bang!!!" his gun goes. He drops the duck out of the sky.
"Wow," more...

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender.' This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.'

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.

The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar.' This is only 6-year- old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch.

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

The man sips the drink and says,' Now that's more like it.'

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire more...