Seconds Jokes / Recent Jokes
: When greeting a Filipino driver, slowly lower your window and be prepared to greet the driver with: "Tang namo, bobo". However, if you have been already addressed by a fellow driver, reply with a joyful "Tang namo rin, gago". On Turn signals If a driver in another lane turns on the turn signal, do not let him go into your lane. In fact, press the accelerator and start driving right next to him/her. The fellow driver will probably greet you and you already know what to do. On Traffic Lights These amusing artifacts hang from intersections for no apparent reason. Sometimes you will see drivers stop to see the colors change on these lights (a fascinating experience). Government officials (specifically police) believe that each color stands for an instruction for drivers to follow. From pure observation I have determined the following instructions for each color: Yellow light: accelerate your car as much as possible. Red light: this light gives permission to the next more...
Patient: Doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Doctor: Wait a minute please.
Back in the old days - when slide rules were still the most sophisticated computing equipment available to scientists and engineers...
Engineering students are taking a math final. Of course, slide rules are not allowed. And, of course, someone is cheating and has brought a slide rule to the exam. He is hiding it under his desk, but the student sitting to his left - who is stuck on a difficult calculation - has noticed it.
"Hey", he whispers. "Can you help me? What's three times six?"
His classmate reaches for his slide rule, and after a few seconds replies: "Nineteen."
"Are you sure?"
The other student reaches again for his slide rule, and after another few seconds replies: "You're right. It's closer to eighteen - eighteen point three, to be precise."
Washing Your CatSome people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog`s breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.1. First, dress for the occasion. A 4-ply more...
14. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor; then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.
12. Take in a wineskin filled with water. Stand and slowly squeeze it out into the toilet, every 15-20 seconds moan or sigh.
11. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
10. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
9. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
8. Stick your open palm under more...
A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance."I will give you three questions," said the coach. "If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team.""Fair enough!" said the Polak eagerly.The coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'"Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said, "So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?"The Polak said, "Two!""Very good!" said the coach. And what are they?""Today and Tomorrow!""Hmm... OK," said the coach."How many seconds are there in a year?""Twelve!""Twelve? How did you come up with more...
How many seconds are in a year? Answer: There are 12 seconds in a year. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...