Security Jokes / Recent Jokes
there was this blonde sientiest that worked for nasa, one day she came to work and everyone she worked with had died their hair blonde just to see if she would notice, she worked her regular day, did her work and started to leave, she had to go out the building and the security guard that just came to work in a shift change had dark brown hair, she started to go through the security gate and she saw the security guard and said you must me new, the guard said no mam i work here 5 days a week, she argued with the guy and said no,
this is a blondes only company, every one here is now blonde, they finally realized that we run the world and all went blonde so you need to find a new job. as she left she said blonde power.
Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?" he ask. The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" as she processes his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office. She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me. ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."IT: "Is that it?"ME: "Yep."IT: "That'll be $1. 04, eat here?"ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and saysIT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"MG: "No. A what?"IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH more...
A brunette and a blonde decided they were going to pull of a bank heist. They quickly devised a plan and put that plan into action.
The brunette drove up to the front of the bank they were going to rob. Turning to the blonde, she asked, "Now, are you sure you remember the plan?" Sighing, the blonde replied, "Duh! Of course I remember!" They went over the plan one more time, then the blonde got out of the car to do her part.
Before she had a chance to shut the car door, the brunette yelled out to her, "Remember, be sure to be in and out in no more than five minutes!"
The blonde then entered the bank and the brunette remained in the car and waited... and waited... and waited.
Finally, the blonde came bursting out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake up the dead. Behind her she was lugging the bank safe by a rope that was tied around it. A security guard came running out of the bank, pants down around his ankles, more...
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY more...
The job security quiz will help judge how long you`ll end up at your current job and what will become of you. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you... A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid. B. Inform him that you`re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources. C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you`ve finished the level. There`s a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do? A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who`s been working with you. B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him. C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won`t have to work under someone who should more...
The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain
"Isn't there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?"
I'm searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel."
"DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!"
"Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?"
"Thanks idiot... I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!"
"Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!"
"I'm at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter."
"I'm trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!"
"See.. I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that's why I'm stealing the more...