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Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.
Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell more...
Today, October 12, is my birthday. It is also my least favorite day of the year.
This is not because I am getting older – I actually prefer the maturing process, as I feel far more comfortable with myself with each passing year (I am passing into year #42). The problem actually stems from a stretch of time when it appeared that nearly all of my friends forgot or ignored my birthday. I wouldn’t make a big deal of that, except that I never forgot to send best wishes for any of my friends’ birthdays (or their wedding anniversaries, or year-end holiday greetings). I’m not making myself seem clever – all it required was writing the dates on a calendar and looking at the calendar every once in a while to determine what was on the horizon in terms of activities and events.
So being in a situation where I was sending birthday/anniversary/holiday cards and getting nothing back in return became rather depressing. This was especially acute on my birthday, since it is more...
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
***
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
***
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some more...
The Technologically Challenged Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there'sstill hope:1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.5. A Dell more...
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"Sign over a gynecologist's office"Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumbers truck:"We repair what your husband tried to fix." On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan:"7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee:"Invite us to your next blowout"Door of a plastic surgeon's office:"Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck"Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate more...
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells,"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democraton my front porch and he's playing with himself.""What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on myfront porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him andI'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated."Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?""Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwingsomebody!"