Simply Jokes / Recent Jokes

A MicroSoft Marketing Manager was married to a woman who had been married nine times before. On their wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after nine marriages he would have thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain, and her comments were as follows:
My first husband was an MicroSoft Salesman who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "it's gonna be great".
My second husband was from MicroSoft Pre-Sales Support, and he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from the MicroSoft Data Center and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from MicroSoft University, and he simply said, those who can, do; those who can't, teach."
My fifth husband was more...

Titanic is big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
Sure, Leo can dance, but can he fly an X-wing?
Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is simply marriage bait.
Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.
We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fianc

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation:

My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great"!
My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, "Those who can... do; those who can't... teach".
My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk more...

Cyber-Sex Dear John Letter:
You never know, this might come in handy one day.

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
? __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
? __ You typed: "I more...

If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page
Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.
Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a higher number than "95" a better than 3 percent increase.
But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).
Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's more...

There is a new virus going around called WORK.

If you receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, the Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open it. Those who have opened WORK have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words' This is too much for me, I'm going out for a soda. This better not be here when I get back.' Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the WORK to your trash can.

Send this message to all your friends in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has already corrupted your life!

Top 50 Worst Reasons to pull an all-nighter
by Jeremy "Shaggy" Toeman ([email protected])
NOTE: an all-nighter means missing one night's worth of sleep.
Heated "Less-filling" "Tastes great" debate.
Need to figure out which way is east. Wait for sunrise.
Watching Professional Wrestling.
Writing script to "Problem Child 3" in an attempt to put to rest all
the unanswered questions from 1 and 2.
Cramming for a test you have the following week.
Waiting for friend to call back with answer to "How do you keep an
idiot up all night?"
Anything involving latin, Taylor's series, or heat transfer.
Attempting to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center
of a Tootsie Pop.
Slightly confused on that whole 5 o'clock shadow thing.
Listening to every CD you own using that cool "intro" feature that
comes in SO handy with every CD player available.
John more...