Size Jokes / Recent Jokes

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him.' 'What color?'' they asked. He settled for white.' 'How much does it cost?'' he asked.' 'Twenty dollars.''

''Very good,'' he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea.' 'Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?''

''No,'' he said,' 'nothing like that.''

''Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles.'' He thought long and hard and then looked up and said,' 'Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?''

A teacher is reviewing her class homework assignments. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stands up. Shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." The teacher says, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy."
"That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."
So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence. The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller. Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job. Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it. She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.
She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"
"Screw the more...

A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises, due to the smoking.

Health Canada should take note of that penis study.

There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population. .. of this man hath no greater fear.

To save taxpayers a whole bunch of money, we asked the Page Six Research and Jingle Division -- currently out stocking up on nicotine gum and Viagra -- to create some new lines for those government warnings on cigarette packs.

Here's what came up.

* These cigarettes are king size -- and you're not.

* Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

* If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Smoke rises -- you may not.

* Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- if more...

70s fashion model, Twiggy, decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.
She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAA-AAA-AAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so Twiggy left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***17. "I finished the Oreos." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!" 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!" 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5. "Got milk? " 4. "Maybe we should more...

...according to medical journals, penis size is in direct proportion to foot size...if this is true, shouldn't women not have feet?