Smart Jokes / Recent Jokes
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man one told me. ..."
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone more...
As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. - Foghorn Leghorn
As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Attic’s a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Baler done run out of twine.
Bandwidth limited.
Barney’s his hero.
Bats have flown the belfry, and now he’s all alone.
Bats in the belfry.
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. "That is a very smart dog," the man commented. "He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5, 000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250, 000 Rolls as collateral against a $5, 000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5, 000 and the interest, which comes to $15. 41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to, have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked more...
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blonds?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A Labrador retriever.
Q: What do UFOs and smart blonds have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.