Smith Jokes / Recent Jokes

Anna Nicole Smith's son died this September 11th while in the Bahamas.

A grieving Nicole Smith said, "These past five years, I kept hearing so much about September 11th, and now I get it. But how did everyone know?"

e-mail one
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you more...

' Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.' --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science,1949

'I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.' --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

'I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.' --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

'But what. .. is it good for?' --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

'There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.' --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

'The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a' C,' the idea must be feasible.' --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable more...

The Perfect Worker1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found2 hard Work jokes in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be13 executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the reportsent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numberedlines.

The following is from the British paper, the Sunday Express, giving awards for dubious distinctions.
Tortoise Trophy - To British Rail, which solved the problem of lateness in the Intercity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule.
Rubber Cushion - To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and glued his buttocks together.
Flying Cross - To Percy the pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft, having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race, and was immediately eaten by a cat. Alas, a 90-minute delay resulting from finding his ID tag and handing it to officials, relegated Percy from first place to third.
Silver Bullet - To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhangiung rock, and was instantly killed when it fell on him.
Crimewatch Cup
Gold Star - To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo. more...

This woman dies, and when she gets to heaven she asks Saint Peter, "Would it be possible for me to get together with my dear departed husband? He died many years ago."
Saint Peter asks, "What's his name?"
"Allan Smith," replies the woman.
"Gee," says Saint Peter, "we've got a lot of Allan Smiths up here. But sometimes we can identify people by their last words. Do you happen to remember what his last words were?"
The woman thinks for a moment, then says, "Oh yes! I remember them! He said that if I ever slept with another man after he was gone, he would roll over in his grave."
"Oh!" says Saint Peter. "You mean Spinning Allan Smith!"

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they changed it to, "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic- depressives and Anal-retentive." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Assholes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either.

They finally settled on...

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones Odds and Ends."