Speak Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer
from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and
sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he
calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.
Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the
gathering. "Yes Jesus, how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just
then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with
his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No
one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!"
Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul. . . Paul", he calls.
Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There
he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and
both legs and throws him back into the crowd.
Jesus yells out once again, "Paul,... Paul". Paul, who is now
lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front more...

A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I`m sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The woman enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over more...

It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
It is a poor workman who blames his tools.
It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.
It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging the mouth.
It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.

You can pretend you don't speak English when you're around stupid people. Everyone asks your advice on computers, cameras, carryout, VCRs, Toyotas and Karate. You look enough like Bruce Lee that when you get in a fight, all you have to do is squint your eyes and howl to scare people. There are a lot more opportunities for casting in war movies. No one expects you to drive well. People mistake you for a Laundromat owner and bring you a lot of neat clothes. You can be from Ohio and still be considered "exotic" If you ever commit a crime, you can get good laughs when your description is passed around (black hair, brown eyes, glasses). You get people coming up to you all the time saying neat things in languages you don't speak. During times of way, you get free outdoor housing at a local house track.

Advice on baby care - your questions answered.
(From a Nutworks post by Jon Partington)
QUESTION. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a Helium balloon that we have bought him. It is called Mr Smiley and has a smiling face on one side, with the words 'Don't worry'. He keeps playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed adultery with Mr Smiley, & the baby is not my son at all?
ANSWER. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician running for office, Maybe.
QUESTION. My baby is only one month old and can more...

The British Ambassador walked briskly into the foyer of an Washington hotel, and stopped for a moment to speak with one of the attendants in the lobby. After he walked on, an assistant manager who had noted the incident, went over to the boy and said: "What did the Ambassador want?" "I don't know, sir", answered the bellboy. "He couldn't speak English."